…and I’m really surprised I now know women suffering from it too
I wrote “She Only Wore a Shirt to the Funeral” in early 2013 or so. At the time, I knew that sometimes men just wouldn’t sleep with their wives after they’d borne them children. I’d heard Elvis had that issue, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around that and figured it was a rare mental hangup I woudn’t run across in my life. Nevertheless, I used that as part of the reason Jade chose to cheat on her husband… it was rare, I reasoned, but this is porn and it does happen sometimes.
And suddenly now, there are two women in my personal circle whose husbands are withholding sex from them. I’m really shocked that this is a thing, to be honest.
My perspective is probably skewed since I write breeding erotica, but here are my thoughts: Guys, you got your wife pregnant once. You came inside her, she accepted it and had your baby, then dealt with the mental and physical fallout… and now she shows that she’ll willingly risk going through that again – or even actively wants it – by wanting to fuck you? Doesn’t the sheer implied desire arouse you? Seriously, I’m having immense trouble wrapping my head around this. Of these two women, both of their husbands just totally shut down and refused to give them any physical contact, even hugs, after they gave birth. Even after they got their bodies back. One of the two women started cheating after two years of this rejection, and the other is having trouble not following suit after going almost two years. I’ll never respect someone who cheats on someone who was actually making a try at their marriage, but being constantly shot down and rejected by your spouse hurts like hell. And almost all the married men I know in real life are under-sexed, with their frigid wives metering out tiny, tiny bits of sex once in a blue moon. With that in mind, I’m seriously wondering what the living fuck is wrong with these womens’ husbands, such that they’re refusing what none of the other guys are getting. Society constantly preaches to women that it’s funny and empowering for them to reject their husbands’ advances and laugh at his near-sexless existence, but it’s shocking to me that any men would actually voluntarily choose that fate for themselves.
The way I think it should be…
I can see avoiding sex before you have a kid, I can understand safe sex at any time, but once you’ve had a kid with a woman… pragmatically she’s going to be in your life for at least 18 years, whether she’s still married to you or not. The question of having another kid or not is up to you and your wife, but withholding sex at this point doesn’t do a single useful thing for you, and it may escalate a bickering marriage into a divorce and that nasty child support which will really screw up your life.
Should I get a woman pregnant, you’d better believe that withholding sex won’t be on the menu after whatever fights we may get into. After having been the “good husband” all the way through a near-sexless marriage, I’ll never put another human being through that.
Speaking of which, I know WAY more men suffering this…
Nearly every married or divorced guy I know, myself included, was lied to by their wives about how important they felt sex is and how often it’ll be. After a year or two, it just about always turns into once a month if you’re lucky. She’s always got “more important things to do”. To many women, a husband is nothing more than a walking wallet crossed with a housepet. A couple of months after we were married, my wife got pissy when I asked for sex a second time that week and said, “I expected that by now we’d be done with having sex!” She seriously expected that once I’d gotten laid a few times after we first got married, that I’d lose interest in it completely… and she’s not the only woman who thinks that way.
A news flash for any of the female gender who thinks like this: Being a man with a normal sex drive is like walking down a scorching road on a hot summer’s day. By that I mean it’s a workout, but as long as you have a constant source of water it’s actually kind of fun. And there is only one thing which quenches a normally-wired man’s sexual thirst: some form of physical sex with an actual woman. Outside of a poly or open marriage, when you marry someone you grant them absolute power of monopoly and veto over their sex life for the rest of their life. Giving a woman total ownership of his sex life is one of the hugest steps of trust a man will ever take. Ladies, that monopoly comes with a responsibility to make an honest effort to see after his needs in some way. In extreme cases, even if it means you release him to see after his needs with other women… there’s more integrity and honesty in that than in utterly suppressing him sexually.
Let me preface the next paragraph with this: there are circumstances sometimes – there are medical problems, etc. Or if he’s abusing you, he has it coming but you should be in therapy working on it or filing paperwork to divorce. If he’s been cheating on you, then he needs therapy focused on addressing the issues which makes him seek out other women or you need to get divorced. But ladies, if you withhold sex from your husband just because it makes you feel empowered, or you think it’s “boring” (yet you won’t try anything new), or that you just flat-out think it’s funny when he’s desperate… then you’re a spiteful bitch. Remember that road I mentioned earlier? Your man is walking down that hot road, thirsty as fuck, and every single woman on that road has a pitcher of water – but he’s given his oath that he will never drink from another woman’s pitcher. Imagine that every time he asks you for a drink, even a sip, you roll your eyes at him and refuse. If he begs you, the only person he’s allowed to ask, for water, imagine that you keep refusing… or maybe you finally relent, and just tease him by dripping a single drop onto his tongue with an eyedropper, once every month or two. Now, the only thing keeping this man in your sick-minded trap is his integrity. He could ask another woman for a drink, and maybe she would actually take care of the horrible, all-consuming thirst which you are creating by denying him even the slightest comfort. For that matter, the average husband even has the physical strength to force sex on his wife, but the integrity not to. A woman who seriously considers these things, yet continues to deny her husband physical relations, is an unloving bitch who doesn’t really deserve him. If actually taking care of his needs is something you’re just unwilling to do, then have the integrity to offer him a divorce, or even an open marriage. Don’t just keep him suffering from chronic thirst while you use his desperation as a source of sadistic comedy. If you do this, then you are a genuinely hateful, horrible human being who is torturing another human being for no reason other than your own sick, twisted pleasure.
I don’t normally get into my personal life here, but the paragraph above describes the hellish marriage I was trapped in until a few months ago. The only reason I’m single now is that my wife, after putting me through two years of almost no sex at all, finally acted on her daddy issues and fucked a meth head who was around the same age that her (alcoholic, abusive) dad died at, 20 years older than her. She gave me just about the only utterly clear-cut grounds for divorce I believe in. Had she not cheated, I would’ve gritted my teeth and endured my sex-deprived existence for the rest of my life, which at the time I desperately hoped wouldn’t last much longer. Now that I’m finally single again, I’m genuinely terrified of the prospect of remarriage. For a man, it’s granting a woman sexual monopoly over you and trusting that she won’t be like most of your friends’ wives, and exploit that monopoly as a smug form of spousal abuse.
Getting back to the original subject of this post… given my experience, and most of my married male friends’ experiences, I can understand women depriving men of sex because that’s just what women do once they get “sexless marriage is best!” into their heads. But this is honestly the first I’ve seen where women are being denied too, and it boggles my mind because most of my friends would practically kill to have their wives actually want sex for a change. So I’m just going to finish with this statement: man or woman, if you’re constantly rejecting your spouse’s sexual advances, you have a serious responsibility to come up with a caring solution to your mismatched sex drives. I don’t care what it is, just fucking fix it or split so that your spouse can be happy with someone.